Liz Benigno

a view from the porch

Missing God

liz benigno4 Comments

I'm irritable and out of sorts. I don't mean to blame it on my new dog Penny, but it's kinda her fault. No, I don't mean the poop found in my bedroom last night (just after bragging that she was housebroken). I mean the every morning, up early and playing with her before work. We don't have a fence, but we do have an enormous yard which means I need to be watchful so she doesn't wander away or get herself into trouble ( I didn't know mommy guilt could translate into doggie guilt). 

And then there's work. I love my work. I really do. I don't mean to blame it on work, but it's kinda at fault. Leaving the house at 6:50 every morning and not getting home until 5:30ish is wearing me out. When I get home I don't want to think about/do anything. Oh yes, there is still dinner to be cooked, wet laundry to move to the dryer, dishes in the sink (because I didn't feel like doing anything last night...), so I do all of that kind of stuff, but I just feel worn out. Wakeful, but tired. A good night's sleep isn't curing the tiredness I am feeling. 

Then it dawned on me, I am missing God. It's been a good long time since I've had any decent time alone with Him. When Penny arrived in August my whole morning routine of coffee, and quiet time in my cozy little reading room disappeared. A season of weddings (5 in 7 weeks to be exact) has left my weekends full of friends and joy, but zero time for my weekly bible study or time for reflection. I haven't seen the inside of a church in weeks and weeks.

I miss sitting and thinking and dreaming and confessing. I miss relief and rejuvenation that comes from thinking and dreaming and confessing. You know what I miss the most? Praying for my people. Yes, I still pray. The kind of toss it out there praying while I drive, but I miss writing out all of my hopes and dreams and fears for the people in my life. Sitting around "tired" worrying about my children is not the same as writing out my worries and fears in prayers offered to Jesus. I also miss my big God dreams. I have no idea if any of my big God dreams will ever come to true, but the time I spent thinking about how God has wired me and how He expects me to use my gifts was restorative.  

God hasn't gone anywhere. He hasn't moved one iota. I have though. Little by little, day by day I have slowly inched my way farther and farther away. I have put everything before Him out of "necessity" and where has it gotten me? No where. All that's happened is a tired spirit has settled inside of me. You know what happens next if I don't do something about it? Tired becomes grumpy, becomes angry becomes bitter. No thanks.

Is anyone tired alongside me? Maybe your spirit is missing Jesus too. 

I am determined to be tired no more. I am going to take a good long look at my day to day and make sure I find space for the One who created my day in the first place.  

My soul yearns for you in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks you.

Isaiah 26:9